Jerry Seinfeld Perplexed By Birthday Parties
 Lawrence Schwartzwald/Splash News Online |
Make no mistake, Jerry Seinfeld is no fan of birthday parties. “I hate every single one of them,” the 54-year-old comedian said during a recent appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman. “I hate everything about them.” Tops on Jerry’s list of dislikes? Piñatas!
“It changes the mood. It’s like, today you’re 5…lets get violent on that fake donkey. And you have to encourage the child, so I’m holding little 4-year-old shoulders, saying ‘You wail on this ignorant beast, you hear me? You beat him senseless. And whatever falls out of his ruptured carcass, grab it and eat it right in front of his face.’”
The trauma doesn’t end there for Jerry, who noted that after the piñata has been destroyed attention usually turns to a game of ’Pin the Tail on the Donkey.’ “When we’re done with [the piñata], we’re going to put a picture of his brother on the wall, everyone is going to get a pin and we’re going to nail his ass,” he joked. Bouncy castles are also a sore spot for Jerry, who is father to Sascha, 8, Julian Kal, 5 ½ and Shepherd Kellen, 3. “They have a slot in the front, you bring your child to the party, you insert your child into the slot, you turn around and they show you what their real personality actually is,” Jerry explained to host Dave Letterman, himself dad to 5-year-old Harry Joseph. “By the time they get out, they’re so psychotic you just throw ‘em in the minivan/paddy wagon, strap them into their car seat/straight jacket and drive away.”
Click below to read Jerry’s thoughts on co-sleeping.
Before becoming a dad, Jerry says he had difficulty predicting the ages of children he encountered. “I’d say, ‘What is he, 3 months?’…’No, he’s 16′…I would have no clue,” he joked. Now that he has more experience, Jerry says he’s gotten better in such situations, although he’s learned that moms are often a bit more precise in their calculations. “I don’t know why mothers don’t want to give it up to you when you can guess [the age],” he mused. “I’m around all these kids all the time!”
“There was a mother at our apartment the other day [with a baby]. I said, ‘Year-and-a-half?’ She said, ‘Oh, no, no, no. 20 months.’ What is that? Come on, give me that one.”
Shepherd has been making the most of his status as the baby of the family, as he’s been making more and more early morning appearances in his parents’ room. “My wife has taken to bringing him into our bed at 4 a.m., which is a delightful experience,” Jerry lamented. “It’s kind of like sleeping next to a laundry bag with a live collie in it.” That’s not all! Jerry adds,
“There’s a heat pump thing with little kids, they throw off tremendous amounts of heat. So you also get the feeling of a small engine running on bad gas, knocking and sputtering all night. It doesn’t run smooth. So in between the vomiting and the defecation, it’s not only romantic to sleep with your wife, but you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go.”
Sascha, Julian and Shepherd are Jerry’s kids with wife Jessica.
Source: Late Show with David Letterman
- Posted on Dec 29, 08 at 8:00PM
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- 13 Comments
December 29th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Ha Ha Ha! That Jerry Seinfeld! Very keen and witty, always talking about something good! Love his sense of humor! This article brightened me day! Keep up the good work, Jerry!
December 29th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
HAHAHA! That last paragraph about cosleeping cracks me up because, its so true!!! I can’t sleep with my 3yr old to save my life! He can sleep, sure. But daddy and I wouldn’t sleep a wink.
Here’s to our kiddos!
December 29th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
haha that’s hilarious, but soooo true! my 3 yr old twin boy like to sneak in the bed with us and they kick like crazyyyyy. my husband and i usually sneak them back in their room or we just sleep on the floor. lol
December 29th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I wonder what birthday parties are like at Jerry Seinfeld’s house…
December 29th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Yeah I’ve never understood the telling how many months your kid is past the age of one thing either.
December 30th, 2008 at 8:18 am
HA HA HA! it described co-sleeping so well! Jerry is a hoot! I still love watching “seinfeld” re-runs,and his family is adorable
December 30th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I dont have children but I was a cosleeper and my parents were such “suckers for me” they didn’t want me in the bed so they would stick me back in mine then I would come in and crawl in while they were sleeping and then spin and kick the night away. I don’t know how parents do it. I know I will never be able to do it. I can’t even let me puppy or dogs sleep in bed with me because I still move around alot. My poor fiance tells me I still spin around and get the covers all messed up when we sleep. Any kid of mine would probably get run over.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:14 am
everything about Jerry Seinfeld, i love it.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:07 am
hahaha he cracks me up! I think his interview went a whole lot better than his actual stand-up performance on the show.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Jerry Seinfeld is soooo funny!! I think Jessica is super beautiful. I love looking @ her. Something about her features…..she just radiates beauty!!
January 1st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
My parents cured me (whether it was intentional or unintentional I don’t know for sure) of asking to sleep with them by making me sleep in the middle if I came into their bed at night. My dad was an elephant snorer and my mother had the hottest breath. I could not stand it! It was a huge bed, but if I had to sleep in the middle, I was back in my own bed like a shot! I did not have this same experience with my child. Once he was asleep, he was asleep for the night. I was very lucky.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
he’s right.. he’s so right!
i mean.. it’s great when kids get to celebrate their birthday, but some of the rituals are just nonsense. What matters is being with family and people you love, and share that love (and a present) with the child
February 17th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I would love to know Jerry’s thoughts on children birthday parties of celebrities and the extravagance of them. I wonder if he’s guilty of it as well or does he, “keep it real” for his kids birthday parties? I used to perform at these parties here in Los Angeles and it can get insanely competitive. I just finished writing a book based on my experiences and believe me when I say that truth is stranger than fiction.